Life is such a rush, at least for now. Two months into my internship and boy must I say, it has been a great but exhausting experience thus far. The one part I hate about work has nothing to do with work but rather going to and coming back from work. The traffic in KL is horrendous. If I ever hear anyone from KL complaining about the traffic in Penang, I vow that I'll give them two tight slap on the face. At least in Penang, you can actually predict where and when will the roads be congested. I have no idea how much is the unemployment rate in KL but people here seems to be free all the time, just 'lepak' on the streets for fun. Every damn hour it's jam! jam! jam! urgh... Another thing is the road. Is it just me or as a Penangite, we are too used to short cuts that I curse at roads over here every time I make a wrong turn. Seriously, one wrong turn and you might have to end up paying toll to use a highway that will eventually lead you to another damn toll! If your intention is to go to point A which is just opposite the road, you probably have to take a "city tour" before you actually reach that damn place! Okla... a bit too drama but still you get my point right? Hate those dumbass people who planned the roads here. Then comes my favorite part, the drivers in KL including Selangor lah... I have to sincerely thank them for giving me such a "memorable" experience. So much so that I would like to ram my car at them. Yeah, even when it means that the parents will ban me from driving until I reach 55.
Basically, the roads in KL/Selangor are flooded with cars that carries a variety of number plates. Why? Don't ask stupid question. The most I've encountered so far... are cars with number plates starting with W (duh), B (double duh), J, A and P. Just a brief intro, W stands for Wilayah Persekutuan (help me knock your head if you don't know), B represents Selangor but actually both W and B also same breed wan la. J is for Johor while A and P are carried by cars from Perak and Penang in respective order. So let me guide you through some of the "di Malaysia apapun Boleh" attitude that these different breeds of drivers possess and possibly, how to manhandle them.
Type of Breed
WXX XXXX or BXX XXXX
Description
In general, these breed of drivers are road bullies wannabe. On the highway they drive their cars so damn fast, just to look like the gangstas from "too fast too furious". I think the Works Minister should build a faster than fast lane to cater for them. I mean it's okay if they wanna crash and burn but the problem is they are so annoying when they just appear right behind you and start flashing their headlights signaling you to move aside because the "big boys" are here. Its not like I'm traveling at 40 km/h mind you. I was already at 100 to 110 km/h at that time and I seldom drive at that speed... before driving in KL that is. See, the bad influence from these stupid drivers. Worst still, there are some that go as far as to purposely drive near you just to scare you off. Why do I call them a wannabe. You see, these people are "half baked" when it comes to speeding. They might be high and mighty in the highways but most of them actually chicken out when it comes to narrow areas. These people are also an impatient bunch. They honk like fart coming out during a diarrhea.
My Verdict
Show off! No skill! Uncivilized!
How To manHandle Them
When they appear at the back of you flashing their headlights, just press the hazard lights to indicate that your car is having a problem, while you are driving at 100 km/h. Just hope that they get the sarcasm and f*ck off. Now two can play the lighting game. Fun huh? If they charge close to you, hit your breaks constantly while thinking about buying a brand new car. Better yet, get a sticker that says 'Kiss me and I'll sue you for sexual harassment' and paste it on your back windscreen while hitting on your breaks thinking about your brand new car. During traffic jams, it's your time to get even. Drive through the narrow space between them in slow motion making it look like you are the predator in the movie 'Jaws'. Let their heart pound like African Djembe drums hoping that they'll get a minor heart attack as your car moves closer by inches to their precious piece of junk. If they proceed to honk , you can either give them the finger or you can join in the honking game. Whichever it is, make sure you have some sort of tools in your car that can be used as a weapon just in case the mad cow decides to dare you for a one on one action (I meant a fight okay, not ahems...). If you don't have any weapons of tiny destruction hidden in your car, just make sure he gets down from the car first so that you can run over him. That is if you are in the mood for making 'ham chim peng'.
Type of Breed
JXX XXXX
No sufficient information available on these particular breed as there is still a lack of observation.
Type of Breed
AXX XXXX
Description
Another annoying type. They like to cut in front of you especially in the fast lane but then they are the direct opposite of WXX XXXX breed. They drive so damn tortoise la...
Verdict
To the left, to the left. Shift your slow asses to the corner left lane.
How To manHandle Them
This would be a little difficult as the are actually driving at the legal speed limit. I recommend that you memorize and recite this list of helpful words out loud. You can even combine them to make new sentence that will definitely keep you occupied while you wait for these slowpokes to buzz off. Although they might not be able to hear it, you are benefiting from this stress relief therapy.
Type of Breed
PXX XXXX
Description
Highly kiasu muahaha... does not like other drivers to overtake, can be quite 'kuai lan' when they feel like they are challenged!
Verdict
They cursed like 'chao ah beng' and PMS like 'chao ah lian' but they are the most civilized drivers ahems...
How To manHandle Them
You don't!
Aside from these normal civilian cars, there are also taxis, public buses and motorcycles! Don't worry, that's a different story that I don't intend to rant about right now or I'll die of high blood pressure before I get to post this entry. Anyway, this is just me stereotyping the drivers in KL lol... Therefore, all information provided here are highly fictional as Ivan was posting this entry while he was sleep driving. So kids, please do not try this at road. Yeah right...
